It’s important that I say this from the start, just in case there is any confusion further along: my husband is an incredible, hands-on father. Without his support I wouldn’t be able to do half of the things I embark on, not just in my career, but my creative and personal ambitions. And no he didn’t ask me to write this – promise! He’s often out with our three kids on his own so I can get time to myself. But it’s the comments he gets on such outings that does my head in.
After we had our third child he would sometimes feel like a minor celebrity if he chose to walk down the street with all three children in tow. “Wow, you’re brave taking the three of them out on your own,” passing strangers would comment. Once an older lady asked my kids: “why didn’t mummy want to come out with you?”
I don’t know, maybe because mummy was probably passed out in bed having stayed up all night feeding the newborn every 90 minutes.
And none of the times that I was out with the three kids did anyone stop and say, “hey, how great is it that you’re doing this without hubby along.”
The thing that irked me even more was that after my third child was born, I was the main caregiver at home. When my husband’s paternity leave was up, it was just me doing school and preschool pick-ups and drop-offs with a newborn who had no set nap times – hello life of child number three. And none of the times that I was out with the three kids did anyone stop and say, “hey, how great is it that you’re doing this without hubby along.”
The reason my husband was congratulated for being out on his own with three kids and I wasn’t, is because there is a low bar set for men when it comes to parenthood. Much of this is likely due to the fact men still contribute less to parenting than women, so when they do something basic like school drop-offs, strangers feel the need to comment.
In many ways I’d hoped Covid-19 would have evened the playing field a little. But preliminary research has suggested that overall women are still doing more childcare and housework than men, even if both parties are working from home.
The low bar is something that’s been noticed by men as well. Comedian Ben Jenkins recently tweeted, “The bar for men when they’re parenting in public is so so low. I just gave Mo some cut up grapes and a lady in Kmart said to me “wow, what a dad!””.
As a mother in Jenkins' mentions commented: “I don't think I've ever received a positive comment about my mothering in public. Have been criticised many times.”
And that says it all. Take a look at any parenting Facebook group and you will find a number of posts by mothers who have had their parenting styles critiqued by well-meaning strangers. “Oh why is your baby crying? Maybe he’s hungry?”, or “You should control your children better in public” and the like.
Men on the other hand often just take the praise. It was something singer John Legend even noticed when he first became a father. “Funny there’s no dad-shaming,” he tweeted after his equally famous wife Chrissy Teigen seemed to cop all the criticism when they both went out for dinner soon after having their first child, but he didn’t.
“I think it’s, as George W. Bush said, ‘the soft bigotry of low expectations.’ So much more is expected of women, and so little is expected of men. Every time a man does even the smallest thing, everyone’s like, ‘Oh, that’s so amazing, he’s such a great dad.’”
Look I’m not complaining that dads are out there partaking in active parenting. I think it’s great. If anything I want to see more of it. I want to see it so much that a father taking his three kids out on his own in public is seen as something normal. That no one needs to comment on it. Though a part of me understands that sometimes comments are a way for people to encourage dads. It’s almost as if they are trying to say: “You’re doing such a great job, you should be doing it more often.”
So that next time a mum is out with her kids, and especially if one or more of them isn’t cooperating, rather than flashing them a tense judgemental look, just say, “look how great you’re doing.”
But mums are doing a great job too. Better than great, they are often incredible in what they are able to achieve. And rather than receiving criticism it would be good if they were also celebrated in public. So that next time a mum is out with her kids, and especially if one or more of them isn’t cooperating, rather than flashing them a tense judgemental look, just say, “look how great you’re doing.” And no, not in a sarcastic way. Because if anything mums need encouraging too.
And if you’re a mum reading this and you haven’t heard it said before, or even just heard it said today: You’re doing great. Keep going. You’ve got this. Maybe we won’t hear it said out loud to us by strangers, but at the very least we can say it to each other. Or even say it as a mantra to ourselves.
